As Perfect as I’ll Ever Be

As I thought of what to write for my first-ever blog post, I noticed it was becoming a source of anxiety and I’ve kept pushing this process down the road one more day, one more thing I have to finish before I can write.

I finally sat down and asked myself why am I doing this. Isn’t this supposed to be something fun for me? A release? It shouldn’t be a further cause for stress and anxiety. What I realized is, I’m still working on everything in my life not having to be perfect. For too many years I’ve beat myself up about what I perceived as my imperfections; my loudness, my unfiltered mouth, my lack of mom skills, my absent presence as a partner, friend, sister.

I would set all of these wonderful goals to have the perfect chore board, to have my dishes complete by the end of the day, to make sure the laundry was done on “my time”, to always look put together, to make enough time in my schedule of work and school to also spend a certain amount of time with family and friends. It wears on you, the juggle between accepting your imperfections and thriving with them, or allowing yourself to live in a constant state of fight or flight because you’re so concerned about perfection.

There’s a fine balance between chaos and perfection and to be honest, most days, my world revolves more around the edge of chaos. What I’ve come to understand is, it’s an everyday choice that I have to make, hell, it’s a multiple times-a-day choice I have to make to tell myself imperfect is okay and sometimes we need a little chaos in our lives to help propel us towards our goals in life.

I went through a long bout of depression a few years ago and what pushed me towards my downward spiral was the thought of not being perfect. There were all of these areas in my life where I couldn’t ever quite reach the standards I was setting for myself, so my body and mind decided I was failing. I let myself wallow in self-pity and depression for far too long and it took a friend showing me some tough love, but also there for me regardless of who I was choosing to be at that point in life. Giving me daily reminders of who I am and what my goals and aspirations are.

It’s okay to not always be at the family barbeque, it’s okay to not always have your kids dressed and combed to perfection, and it’s okay to put dishes and laundry on the back burner for a day. It’s okay to take the time you need to focus on something else you’d like to accomplish at that moment. I have to remind myself all the time, you don’t have superpowers. Your kids might think you do and that’s good enough. You don’t have to complete 36 hours of life in 24 hours of a day. Slow down, be imperfect.

I was listening to a podcast the other morning where the host was talking with Matthew McConaughey. They were discussing happiness, failure, and living life fully. It really resonated with me and helped me to look further into myself. Why can’t I be okay with failing? Why Isn’t it okay to not always get an A+, and not always get extra credit? Who am I looking for approval from? Too often we look for approval from the world around us instead of focusing on ourselves in this exact moment.

I notice when I allow myself this pleasure, of only looking for approval from myself, this allows me to live in the moment, to accept being completely who I am, perfectly, imperfect. And that’s okay because that’s perfect enough for me.

Join me as I continue this journey of reflection and learning. I will be posting a new entry weekly. Don’t forget to follow my social media and share them as you feel inclined. You can find them here.

Sending you all, Sunshine.
Love, Mary.