*Disclaimer. The following post contains talk of suicide, death, and thoughts of dying. If this is something that triggers you or is something you’re going through; I feel you, I’m here for you and I love you! There are so many resources available, please reach out.
Have you ever considered ending your life? Truly, honestly, thought through the process, made a plan, and attempted.
I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for years. Hell, far back as a little tiny girl, I remember feeling nauseous and shaky and scared more times than not. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Sometimes I thought I was dying, other times I thought I was hungry. Eventually, it just became normal, part of who I was. Now, as I reminisce, I realize those feelings were anxiety and depression.
After my last baby, 4.5 years ago, I got postpartum depression really bad. I tried to just be happy, to just deal with it, to stay busy. I told myself, “It’ll go away, it’s just a phase”. This went on for almost a year. A year of me trying to be grateful for this life, for my family, and for my babies.
I threw myself into full-time work when my baby was around 6-8 weeks old. I was also exclusively breastfeeding, which only added an extra layer of stress and anxiety to my already stressed self. I would occasionally have days or times that I would cry or allow myself to be sad, but my depression more so came in the form of distance. Not allowing myself to be present with my life, my family, my babies. I would aimlessly just, be. I thought I was okay, I thought I knew how to handle this on my own. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about this stuff. I felt like if I acknowledged the depression, I would let people down. I wouldn’t be the person I thought everyone around me needed.
But then I wasn’t even a person. I felt like a zombie with no purpose really, just a human form doing the most basic of things to stay alive and to keep my loved ones alive.
I remember the day I knew I wasn’t okay. I was driving to St. George from my home. I had both of my kids strapped securely in the back of my car. I had probably turned on a movie for the kids to watch because that helped me not have to be present. Not have to think about anything, to answer any questions. I had driven this specific road hundreds, if not thousands of times. I wasn’t paying close attention to the road, to the cars, to anything. I was letting my mind wander off wherever it wanted to go. All of a sudden, I remember thinking, “What would it be like if I weren’t here anymore?” I could just drive right off the road and hopefully, death would come quick. At last, I would be free, I could stop feeling numb. I could stop trying to be someone I wasn’t. I could just let myself become, me.
All of this lasted only a brief second and I brought myself back to the present, back to the road, back to the yellow and white lines flying past me. I looked in my rearview mirror at my precious babies and couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. I felt like a dam had broken, and the tears wouldn’t stop coming.
So many thoughts were present in my mind, all fighting for a spotlight, wanting to be seen, wanting to be heard, the loudest one; “I couldn’t do that with my babies in my car, they’re too precious, they have their whole life ahead of them. They have too much to give this world.” I immediately reached my hand back and touched their perfect little hands and faces, feeling their warmth on my ice-cold fingers. I told them I loved them, and I would always be here for them. The negativity and doubt stayed present in my mind though. I tried thinking positive, happy, grateful. This did help some, but the negativity never went away. I tried to bring sunshine and rainbows back, but the darkness wouldn’t recede, I didn’t see any color at all, the world was greys and black.
I felt ashamed, scared, a terrible mother, a terrible human. Who would think these thoughts with so much to live for? Who would think these thoughts with so much love and support? I tried to move on, to forget the thoughts even presented themself, to focus on gratitude.
For a while, it worked! I was feeling better! I was having fewer negative thoughts and fewer days where I felt numb and alone. Every time negativity or sadness would present itself, I would immediately push it out, immediately think of something else, and try to focus on the positive. I never allowed myself to feel these sad feelings, to grieve the person I wasn’t anymore, and to embrace the person I was becoming. My body knew, my soul knew, and my brain kept track, even though I thought I was doing an excellent job of staying happy.
Then it happened again, these thoughts of wanting to be dead, only this time as I was driving, I was already having a bad day and I felt everything kept going wrong, nothing that happened was going in my favor. In my mind, the world was out to get me. I let myself wallow in self-pity, in those depressive thoughts. Feeling the world would be better off without me. Feeling like my loved ones wouldn’t miss me. I was just a blob in this existence, taking up space. I felt like a terrible mother, partner, sister, daughter, friend. I felt so completely, alone.
I let my mind be absorbed by these thoughts. I wondered who would care for my babies after I was gone. Who would give them everything they need and love them like I do? I tried to rationalize with myself, the pros and cons. I would be free from this trapped existence. I wouldn’t have these depressive thoughts anymore. I wouldn’t feel like a shitty human anymore. I would be free.
In my rationalization, I also thought about the future, and how selfish my children would think I was. How utterly devastated they would be to no longer have the one person in life who will love and care for them unconditionally. I couldn’t think of anyone who could love my babies as much as me. No one could tuck them in at night like I can. No one can reassure them that they’re going to be okay, no matter what like I can. No one is going to love every tiny freckle on my little girl’s face like I do. No one will love like I can, the pitter patter of my baby’s bare feet as he comes looking for his mommy. No one will kiss their little fingers the same way I can. No one can snuggle them up close and protect them like I can. No one could ever take my place and be their mama like I can.
I thought of my babies waking up and looking for me. Not being able to find me, to hug me when they need me. Not being able to say I love you and to hear it back.
I knew I needed help. I had tried this on my own for too long and couldn’t do it alone anymore.
That alone was a war in my mind. If I asked for help, I would be weak. If I asked for help, everyone around me would know I was a fraud, know I had been faking everything for the past few months. How could I explain this to anyone around me? How could I explain to my partner that I’m not as strong as he believes? How could I tell my mom that I was thinking about starting a prescription medication, when my whole life this was such a taboo thing?
It took time and it took everything inside me, but I HAD to do this. I had to do this for my babies. I didn’t know where to start, but I figured my primary care provider should have some resources. I had blood drawn to make sure everything was good with my hormones, electrolytes, and other physical parts of me. I then asked for some prescription medications. I wanted so badly to feel like myself again. I wanted too badly to feel at peace again. To feel love and be present when my babies were around. I wanted so badly to be able to hold my partner and actually feel him near me again. I was sick of being numb, sick of barely holding on. This was the dropping point. I could either get on or get off, but I couldn’t continue on the path I was on. It wasn’t working for me or anyone around me.
I made the call and scheduled with a behavioral therapist. I started working on my healing from the inside, out. I had to realize that, yes, maybe I was broken right now, but I wasn’t damaged. I just needed help, I needed guidance and strength from those around me. I needed to acknowledge the sad little girl inside me, the hurt little girl. I needed to heal her first, to understand what she needed so long ago and never got. I needed to feel her deep pain, her betrayal from those she thought loved her most.
This healing journey has taken years! Years of trying and failing but knowing it’s going to be okay. Knowing that I am making progress, realizing that failure is a part of the journey. Most days it was forcing myself to get out of bed. Forcing myself to take a new medication because the last one didn’t work, or the last one made my anxiety worse. Forcing myself to call my therapist and re-schedule that missed appointment because today, today I felt like I could do it. It’s taken years of believing in myself. Believing I’m worth it. Years of holding on to my babies and promising them over and over that I will be okay, that I will always be here for them. Find your why and keep it in sight. You have to have something that will keep you going, and for me, that is my babies and my partner.
I won’t tell you it’s been easy, at all, because damn it, it’s been a bitch. If I was a quitter, I would have quit long ago. Some days, just waking up is progress. Small, slow steps are progress as long as you keep going. Make your goals small so you can reach those goals. Don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself. Keep your eyes on your present goals. Right here, right now. Soak it in, accept, embrace, let go, move on. Find what works for you. Pick and choose advice, plans and goals. What works for someone else isn’t always going to work for you. Try it, then if it doesn’t work, stop and move on. It’s already so hard to put forth any effort or energy when you’re at your lowest, so don’t waste it on something that isn’t working.
I’m still a work in progress and I always will be, but now, there’s a light I can see. I see color now, I feel warmth. The grey and sadness are only on some days. Now that I know there’s color, it makes it easier to get through the grey.
I finally feel like I’m in a place where I can share, and hopefully help anyone out there that is going through something similar. We’re all on our own personal journeys and everyone’s experiences will be different, but in the grand scheme, you’re not alone! There’s always someone going through something similar to you, something worse than you. There’s always someone who cares, who feels your pain, who can embrace and feel with you, be with you.
Ask for help, and make yourself a village. It takes more people than you realize to help you on this path. But there ARE more people than you realize that do care, that do want to help you on this path, that do want to offer you support. If you don’t know where to start, let me help. Let me be the first person in your village. Let me be the first person to help you into the colors again. I will always help in whatever ways I can; listening, sharing, recommending, being vulnerable, and never judging you. We’re all human, we’re all different, we all fail, we all have to get back up! Bringing our differences together and learning and growing from each other is what we all need.
I love you! You’re amazing! You’re worth it! You deserve every good thing you seek out!
Reach out and ask for help, it’s worth it, I promise!
Sending you all, Sunshine and Color.
Love,
Mary
**If you don’t feel like you’re comfortable yet with discussing this with anyone around you, the following are resources available to you if you’re feeling in a position where you need some extra help. If you’re in the Colorado City, AZ area, Creek Valley Health Clinic has some amazing resources. The warmth and non-judgement you feel there will be an encouragement in your journey. Their phone number is 435-900-1104. You can call or text that number and receive help. You can also call the National Suicide-Prevention Hotline by dialing 988 and they can talk with you and help with resources. 911 is also an amazing option if that’s where you feel you’re at and you’re needing a little extra help. You’re needed and wanted! **
I love reading your blog! Your amazing!
Thank you! It’s been so fun!